It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
