one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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