i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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