Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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