he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
