thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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