i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage