Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
