Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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