you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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