Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He shit in the fireplace
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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