Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
