my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
