My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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