Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
