I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
