i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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