My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
