im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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