i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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