dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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