I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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