I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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