you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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