I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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