we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
