I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
