Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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