He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
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My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
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Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize