I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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