OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
