Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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