sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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