Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
