Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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