Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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