remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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