I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
