I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
