Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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