My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
