just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
