if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I supernannyed him into submission
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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