you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
