My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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