What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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