didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
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no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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