Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
