Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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