Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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