I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
