The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
