three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
