Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
