i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am naked and annoyed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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